Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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