This girl is more easily done than said...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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