I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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