I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
