Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
