Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
