I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
