My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
