His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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