omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
