i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Randomize
