it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
