Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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