I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
