Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
