I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
