She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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