Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
