ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
