just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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