Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
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