the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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