i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
