I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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