you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
