Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
