Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My liver just had a heart attack.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
