so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
well you can't waste a boner
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
