I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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