I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
