I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
