I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
