rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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