so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
