No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
