and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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