Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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