You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
