I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
