The maid of honor just puked.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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