sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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