I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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