i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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