Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
