He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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