WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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