Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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