I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
