my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
