I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
