I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
