shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
