On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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