I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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