i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize
