The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
