She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
