We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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