She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
